Navigating Primal Chaos
Desire or the aggressive expression of power….these energies can feel like a tidal wave or a violent storm. With the natural hope of being a good person, we might try to control the storm through an effort of sheer will. But the storm can feel too great; there’s just no way force all that raw energy into a properly behaved shape that can sit quietly and be polite with the outlaws. The effort to tame it is like trying to push a dragon into a pig pen: some parts of world/mind don’t respond well to the idea that they should change for our convenience.
So we’re left with some other, interlocking approaches. One involves curiosity, courage and respect. An energy in mind may feel chaotic in its most superficial expression; but what is it below the surface? Everything has dimensions. The wolf that tears apart a hen house in a violent frenzy goes home to her cubs and nuzzles them with great tenderness. It’s not easy to sit still with the wolf when her fangs are out... holding steady, unflinching. Some kind of courage is required. This courage seems to be a prerequisite to getting know an energy.
And then - courage is only a starting point. We’re also asked to show up with something like innocence. In other words, we can return to the Garden of Eden. We hold the apple that delivers knowledge of good evil. In a perfect act of grace, we toss the apple up into the air and it reattaches to its tree. For a time we lay down our judgements. For a time, we open ourselves to the possibility that the most evil demon imaginable is ultimately inseparable from the greatest love in the universe. Which also means there’s no gap of separation between oneself and anything “out there” holding the image of victim or victimiser. The Zen Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh speaks to this in one of his poems:
I am the twelve-year old girl,
refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean
after being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am also the pirate,my heart not yet capable
of seeing and loving.
Of course, there’s a sacrifice required in coming to this kind of view of the world. It requires us to give up the righteous satisfaction we take in judging the apparently sinful parts of ourselves and others. It requires us to give up the self-image of being a “good person” whose every whim and impulse aligns to high spiritual ideals. Of course, we can continue to imagine our more primal impulses as something entirely outside of ourselves and yell “get behind me Satan”. But this judgement holds reality at arm’s length. It obstructs us from getting to know what’s actually happening in our interior world. When the judgements fall, the world opens to show new layers of reality. We see past the thorn - to the delicate rose petal - and in so doing understand why the thorn was formed. We begin to meet whole pattern, not just the obvious part that’s pierced the surface. Along with the thunderous wrath of being scorned or fiery rage at being abandoned, we find the exquisitely naked vulnerability of being hurt, uncertain, alone. So we’re not hiding from ourselves. A new pattern can form that has its roots in timeless wisdom and clear-seeing. The pattern that may have formed in a traumatic moment - as part of a fragmented, emergency reaction - can take the opportunity to gracefully retire.
Another entry point here is what the Buddhists call “mirror-like wisdom”. When we invest heavily in the idea that the world with all its sharp edges is separate and external, we give ourselves a little breathing room in which the world is experienced less directly, more comfortably. But the cost of this comfort is high! When the world is understood as external - out there - we more easily experience our survival-oriented emotions with a muddy texture like polluted water. At the emotional level, that water roils with a pattern of resentment, bitterness, blame, fear, and so on. When we set aside for a time our commitment to keeping the world separate, mirror-like wisdom can shape our perceptions. Now everything is experienced with great immediacy and intimacy. But also, with greater precision and nuance. We sacrifice the satisfaction of feeling victimised or resentful or whatever is comfortable. We sacrifice the priority of comfort. In so doing, we give space for the priority of noticing what is actually true. Now it becomes possible to meet chaotic energy at the level of its secret heart. Whatever there is not separate. Some kind of profound home coming can occur.